Just me for now

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I constantly mean to write, and then never seem to find the time to actually write the post.

The last post, was not a real post, it was an old draft that seemed to have posted itself. Thank you ladies, for not forgetting me.

There seems so much going on, and I guess I have been feeling overwhelmed. My mom was very ill, and she is recovering now, but I don’t think she will be properly well again. I wish she would take it easier. My dad was completely lost without my mom while she was ill. I went and stayed with him while she was hospitalized. It was tough. I worry for them, having seen him fall apart while she was so ill. I don’t think he is strong enough to be without her.

HB is doing so well at school. He made me feel like such a proud mummy today. Today, I was that mom that other mom’s wish they were. I had moms pat me on the back. They had to perform a poem, and my baby was brilliant. I was surprised, because he is such a shy boy and hates performing, but he was brilliant.

Hubby…. We are not doing so well there. He is a workaholic. In that it feels for me, that he chooses his work over family all the time. He misses things he promised to be at, he is constantly late, we seem to have no time to just be. I am frustrated and tired of being the only one filling in. School, house, social. It feels like I cannot rely on him. To be very honest, I feel like I would be happier, if we were not together anymore. I would know I was the only one to do stuff. I keep expecting him to be there, and then I feel let down.

I know I contribute to the above. I have been working a lot, trying to get my own practice running. But I feel like I need help. If I am only sleeping 3 hours a night to get the work out, I am expecting him to be there to fill in, but he is not. I need him to make sure HB is not left alone, but he is not there. If he said he would do something, I expect him to do it. Right now, he is not doing it. He is at work a lot and when he is home, he is on his phone about work. And on his 2 off weekends, he still goes in to work.

He is antsy to get back to work if we are out. I am ready to give up. I guess giving up would be the easy solution, but I am tired of fighting with him and I am tired of waiting for him to get home. I am tired of doing it alone, when someone promised to be there.

I also think, for now, I need to give up for dream of my own practice, because the time investment, without support is going to destroy me. So, this weekend, I will finish up the things I committed to, and then no more new work.

I told hubby that I am the point of no more. I am not trying to give ultimatums, but I am tired.

HB knows something is going on, related to papa’s work. I don’t want to damage my child.

I guess I should be brave enough to post this.

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Another long stretch between blog posts. I have written posts, but they just did not feel like anything worth writing about.

I have been busy with the usual stuff. The concert went off so, and the costumes looked cute. We were not allowed to take photos, so I have none , until the official photos come out later this month. Why am I sitting now….because the offices below I ours are getting fit out for a new tenant and the jack hammer is slowly doing my head in. It had been going since yesterday. I am used to building sites, but I have never been expected to sit on one and work belt the jack hammer going. It is at the right frequency to disturb.

HB is finishing up the last few weeks of Grade 1. It amazes me still, that he can read. He reads words, just because he can. He

From a far way place?

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It has been such a long time since I wrote anything.  I think you just get out of the habit of doing it.  I love reading blogs still, but I have felt I have nothing noteworthy or interesting to add. I still don’t have anything, but today I have time.

Life has been exceedingly busy at the end of last year.  I was working my normal job and a private job and sewing for the school and practicing with HB for his school stuff and, and, and, and.

I decided, after an extremely tiring December holiday, I was going to take it easier.  I currently have no private work, and I am not sure how to court clients.  It is a skill I am hoping I am learning slowly, because I am really tired of working for other people.  I have not volunteered to do anything for school, or anyone else.

I have managed to buy this really super cool computer (my work requires a gaming pc, and they tend to be really expensive).  At least, I am a little closer to setting up myself and I can get my work done efficiently.  I have decided to expand a little and do a bit more with my sewing, and maybe someone will pay for something I make.  I am trying to do things I love to do.

Hubby is moving into a new job (promotion) at the end of this week and hopefully this will mean a little more financial freedom for me to work at building my business into something sustainable.  I saw this really great job opportunity, and I applied for it.  Not because I need a new job or hate my current job, but this looked really great.  So I will see what comes of it.  I am not sure I even want it.  The attraction was, being my own boss.  Not having a director to report to.  Let us see what happens.

Today HB is sick, hence I am home with some time on my hands. He wil be well soon, but at least, I have this peaceful afternoon.  The fever is down, he is no longer throwing up and he has actually eaten something after almost three days…and I have so much love in my life.

Just me.

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It has been a long time and I had too much going on to try and get the words down. HB has been sick on and off and it has been a little stressful. Theses childhood fevers are so scary to watch. I am not sure that the fancy digital thermometer is a good thing. Every time you see that high fever your heart lurches a little and you question yourself. This time I decided not to go to the doctor, because they always get stressed because the fever is so high and then they say they cannot see where the infection is, causing the fever. Then I have to sit in emergency waiting for the fever to come down (because once you get there, they refuse to allow you to leave until the fever is broken). Hubby and I managed it home, I hardly slept, but he ended up fine. He is happy and healthy and hopefully ready for school again (he has been on holiday for almost 4 weeks).

I have been busy with a friend who has been going through losing a family member and as a result, my sewing has stopped (and I need to have the costumes completed!) It was hard to watch her die, and I was very disturbed for days after. I realise that I have never seen a dead person that close, let alone stand there while their heart stopped. To see that machine zero, it was traumatic for me, and I was not even a part of that family. I can only imagine the grief they feel. I was glad to be there, and to be less emotionally involved, and able to help them after the death. Onto gladder times….

We need to organise HB’s birthday which is approaching in 2 weeks. Hubby and I decided that this year can be the Spur party and we will give ourselves a break. Everyone needs a Spur party at least once (or that is what we told ourselves). HB is very excited about it. He was never this excited about the parties we planned. I ran out at lunchtime yesterday and organised it with the Spur and I have to say, it is way way way cheaper than hosting it at home.
Hubby and I also need to go plan our part of my Dad’s birthday next week. We have a mini break, visiting with my family next week. We are having a big family lunch at my parents’ house, and each kid is doing their bit. Starters, main meal, dessert, tea. Hubby and I doing tea, which includes the birthday cake. I have decided to be kind to myself and give up the idea of making all the snacks myself. I am going to just buy it, because I need some quiet time. Shop bought stuff is not bad and they will travel better.

While I always knew I was very conservative, I did not know how extreme. The other day at work, there is a new guy. We are an office of women, so it is a little strange. I was busy earlier in the week updating drawings by hand and I was using a light table which is in a store space away from the general space. This guy kept popping in to talk to me and ask questions, and I realised I was very uncomfortable with him, alone in that little space. I looked for an excuse to pop out to my desk for a pencil, or ruler or something, because I was very uncomfortable with the situation. How do you handle something like that at the office? He was not doing anything to me, but I was very very uncomfortable. Do you just tell the person to leave you alone? Do you explain? Or avoid it like I was doing. I tried saying I was very busy and I would come help him later, but he did not get it.

The cowardly dog.

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It has been a busy few weeks and I have a lot going on. I need to stop volunteering away my personal time. Busy sewing for the school concert currently. It is taking little longer than I thought it would. However, I am so enjoying it!

HB will be on holiday soon and it means a longer drive to do drop off in the mornings, however, working parents don’t have many options. I need to desperately do my own thing. Hubby says that I need to just do it…. But I am too afraid to just ditch my salary.

I cannot market myself as myself while I work for someone else. Just not ethical. My work contract does not say I cannot do private work, but I also cannot actively look for private work while working fulltime for someone else. All the work I have done up to now is via referrals from someone I have already worked with.

I just want to be the boss of my own time. I want to be able to go to all the soccer and cricket matches, I want to sew concert costumes, I want to do my own design work. I feel a little frustrated with myself. I am really good at what I do, but I lack courage.

I cannot see the way forward… and my lack of courage is blinding me.

TODAY IT IS MY BIRTHDAY!