Category Archives: Pregnancy

Letting it go….trying really hard.

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I really do not like seeing things I should not see.  It disturbs my equilibrium and satisfaction.  It was not really intended for me to see, but I ended up seeing the salaries of everyone in the office.  Not my fault, it was sent to me by mistake.  I could have not read it, but I did.

The two most senior people in this office: earn the lowest out of all the professionals in the same category.  I happen to be one of those.  Younger members with the same degree and less then 5 years experience earn more.  For heavens sake, the student earns more than I do.  And he works part-time and still manages to earn more than I do.  The other person with a lessor qualification and less experience also earns more than I do.  I earn the lowest out of everyone, with the exception of the admin lady, the cleaners and the two 21 year olds.

Ok, I know I should never have seen it, and this is exactly why I should never have seen it.  I should never have continued to read it, and now it serves me right.  Now I feel undervalued and under appreciated.  I know it is my own fault, and no one else can be blamed.  It is not that I do not have the skills and ability to do this job, because I do.  Anyone will agree that I am good at what I do.  However, I very obviously lack skills in salary negotiation.  If the student part-time worker can negotiate a better salary then I can, then there is something very wrong with me.

So now I have some more stuff that I must work on letting go. I have to let this go.  I was happy with my salary and I should still be happy with it, even if it seems everyone else earns more than I do. 

Wondering about infertility….and stuff

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Infertility is close to my heart currently. Not because I have ever experienced infertility myself. Let us just say I have been having a bit of insight currently. It sucks! I see the couples sitting there in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. I felt like a completely insensitive fool for walking into that waiting room with my son on my hip. I sat there and I waited to be seen and I felt uncomfortable. Not because those couples sitting there were mean.
Every time someone tried to get his attention or smile at him, I wondered whether I was striking deep into their hearts, flaunting my child there, when I know they are mostly sitting there because they do not get pregnant easily. How on earth do I end up with a fertility specialist as a gynae, I do not know. In fact I did not know the doctor was a fertility specialist until I was in the hospital and kept being asked if the pregnancy was natural. Huh? What do you mean? And then one of the other doctors explained it was because my gynae was a fertility specialist. Oh.
So I sat there waiting for it to end. I was hoping the doctor would just come call me. So the next time I had to go there, I left Honeybear at home. I was just another woman waiting to see the doctor. I felt better.
It always makes me wonder if I would have tried as hard to have a child as these couples try? Would I have just thrown in the towel and carried on if we never had Honeybear as easily as we did? Would I have become obsessed? (Not that I am calling anyone obsessed, I just wonder what I would do?) Do people think I am selfish for only wanting one child? I have been told to my face I am selfish so I do not really have to wonder.
There seems to be a basic need in us to have children (well some of us). I remember never wanting children and hubby said it did not matter. He was fine with that. And then one day, it kicked me in the teeth. I wanted a child. I wanted to be pregnant. And we were pregnant the first month we tried it out and everything fell into place easily.
I love being a Mom, even if I do not sleep well, and my body is not the one I was used to. I feel incomplete without my son. I cannot relax when he is not with me. Never completely. He is always in my thoughts. I wonder if he stopped crying soon after I left? I wonder if he and his bestie are playing nicely, are they terrorising the others (these two share a birthday and I am told they are inseparable, concocting all sorts of naughtiness). Anyway, I digress.
What kind of person would I be without my child? I know my child has changed me tremendously. I try to be better because of him, even if I forget sometimes.
I cannot imagine injecting myself month after month after month. Going through egg retrieval and embryo transfers. There are whole terms I had never heard before. There is a whole other life out there I never really paid attention too.
Do children really fulfil you? Yes for me. How would I live my life without that warm little body against me. I have experienced the joy of being pregnant. I heard my child cry out in that hospital and I held him and looked into his scrunched up face.
I remember the fear and tears when I went into preterm labour, even then I did not realise the awfulness of losing a child, because I never lost my child.
The hard decisions one must go through when having a child of your body is not happening. Fertility treatment, adoption, egg donors. These things never occurred to me. Hubby and I discussed what we would do, briefly, if we could not get pregnant because friends of ours were in the middle of fertility treatment when we decided to try. It never occurred to us, that infertility might be an issue. It was just something happening to other people. Hubby was born to his mother after she went through about 11 miscarriages, so in his mind miscarriage was normal. In my mind, it was not something that would happen to me. Even when I went into preterm labour at 27 weeks, I do not think it really hit home what could have happened. Hubby had it brought home to him a few weeks ago when he helped a colleague go through a miscarriage at 28 weeks.
All this wondering is all over the place, but it is things I have never really thought about seriously before (I now sound like an insensitive cad, but I am not really). Do we really know what other people are going through unless we have been there ourselves?

Mama!

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I am Mama….wow. On the 16th September this year I became Mama. It still amazes me.

At 01h30 on the morning of the 16th September I awoke because once again I needed the toilet. I had taken to sleeping on the couch because it was easier to get upright from the couch then the bed. Hubby had been up late and was now sleeping soundly.

I went into the toilet and I was wet. Waters broke? So I go wake Hubby and tell I think my waters have broken….he asks if I am sure. I was standing there dripping so I said I was sure. I told him to go back to bed and I would go Google it to make sure. So I changed and lay on the couch and checked Google.   I was to lie down for a half hour, then stand up. Then see if I was wet. Well, five minutes and I was already wet again. I decided to call the hospital.

I spoke to the night sister and she said that I should stay at home for the next hour then come in, if the pain had not yet started. So I decided to shower, and dry my hair and iron and made myself some hot chocolate. I was excited. I woke Hubby again at three and said we should go to the hospital now. We got there at 03h30.

The sister was expecting me. She checked me out and said I was about 2cms dilated and the waters were broken and the baby was coming today. I was excited. The process begins. I received the enema, endless paperwork, and a huge maternity pad to catch the water still coming out.

I said I wanted an epidural. I was going to do the vaginal birth, but not without drugs. I was told that they could only give it after labour had progressed to a certain stage. Ok….so I walked around, spoke to a lady whose daughter was at 10cm and she was waiting to hear the news. I walked and walked. At 06h00 my gynae was called and told I was in labour. By then I was about 3cm. My gynae arrived at about 09h00. She said I was at 3cm, but my membranes were not completely ruptured. So out comes the huge crochet hook thing and she ruptures the membrane. Ouch! It was sore. After she left the pain started. It was bad, but I could handle it. Then it starts to get worse and I keep telling Hubby to go ask about my epidural. The labour sister must have thought I was complaining because I was only at 3cm. She eventually comes to check: “ You cannot get an epidural, she says, you are 7cm dilated” I was as surprised as she was. It was only 10h30 now. My gynae too, was surprised. She came to check and, yes I was past the stage of epidural. It was painful, so I got given something to make me sleep. By now I was out of it. I was drugged and in pain and all I could do was tell Hubby to help me. Hubby was in tears, watching me….By 11h00 I was 8cm dilated and there I stayed. The baby would not come down further. They decided at13h30 that it was time for a c-section. I did not care by then, baby needed to come. I was taken to the theatre, given the spinal block….and all was bliss. Honeybear was born at 13h55. I was smiling, Hubby was in tears. Honeybear was given to me as soon as he was checked out and I held him all the way into the ward. They then took him away so they could sort me out. They brought him back soon and I breastfed him. It was amazing. This little being was our son. Hubby just looked and looked. It was amazing.

I was really drugged so things were a little surreal. People spoke to me and I answered but I knew I was a bit out there. Honeybear was taken to the baby room and brought to me to feed only, that night.

I don’t remember much of the pain, only that there was pain. It was a beautiful day that Honeybear arrived.

Brief

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Hello All,

Popping in very briefly.  Kitten arrived on the afternoon af 16th September.  He is a lovely little boy who is two months old now.  I love him so much.

Motherhood is filled with surprises, there is so much you don’t know, but Kitten is so forgiving and smiles, even when I don’t know what to do.  Hubby is a natural Daddy. 

I cannot believe I am now a Mummy.

Min dae

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Almost time for maternity leave…..I cannot wait! Therefore, when you do not hear from me, it is because I am on maternity leave. I shall still read your posts, however, I am unable to make comments from home. My phone does not allow me to login.

Baby stuff is about done. We just need to put the cot together and then everything is finished. The cot assembly is awaiting the delivery of the cot bed, which happens this week. I am so excited!

I am going to finish the bed linen this week, though I think it might be a bit early to make up the bed just yet. I don’t want Kitten in a dusty bed. Also, once it is made up, our furry kitty will want to go sleep in the bed.

I was surprised when a consultant did not know I was pregnant. I am 36 weeks along now…surely you can see the bump? It has to be people that are just plain unobservant. Really now, this child is supposed to be a big one and I have put on weight…8kgs to be exact. I am not just fat, I’m pregnant! Am pretty sure that I look preggies and not just fat. My normal pants still fit, my rings and shoes all still fit. The only new items I needed are bras and shirts.

Getting all the UIF stuff done, and now wishing I had started earlier…those forms are confusing to my pregnant brain.

Finally getting sore now. Pelvic pain….doc did say it would happen the more Kitten moves downwards. His head was already down but not engaged yet (too early anyway).

Hubby is sick again. For the third time. I was pretty horrified when I saw his nose pouring blood this weekend. I did not know what to do. And he would not let me help him. I think his nose is traumatised by his violent blowing. I told him to be gentle, I tried to get him to rest, but the man does not listen. My Mom finally said that he has to be well for when the baby arrives so he finally took a break.

I realised Kitten is having a green room. Bright shades of green. Now that everything is together in his room, I realise we do have a colour scheme….green, with bits of blue.

Looking forward to the next doctor’s visit. She is going to do the internal exam to see where Kitten is and if my pelvis is wide enough to handle the delivery. I feel great and I am pretty sure my pelvis is wide enough.

I should go finish the last bits of work and attend to cleaning my desk. Looking forward to my time to myself before Kitten arrives!