Yesterday I had a huge Mummy fail. I still feel so bad about it. I know we all do it and I will do it again….
So Honeybear ended up in our room and everyone finally had some sleep. So that worked for a long time, until Hubby suggested it was time to move him to his own room (which we had spent a long time getting just right).
So to his room Honeybear went and he slept there for a while. Then was holidays and it was then too cold and then he was back with us again.
Now while it is not nice to sleep in the bedside table, I was happy having Honeybear in the bed. I felt more relaxed, and I slept better. Honeybear slept better. However, hubby is not all that happy. He says he is fine with it, but I know he is not.
So last night we stuck Honeybear back in his room. 23h30 found me crying into my pillow because I wanted my baby in the bed with me. Hubby was blissfully sleeping (snoring very loudly). I could not sleep and was still awake at about 01h00, when Honeybear called for me. He was crying and scared of his clock (which he had asked me to refresh with batteries earlier in the evening).
So with about seven soft toys and a pillow I moved him back into our bed. Hubby fetched another blanket, I moved into the bedside table and we all slept blissfully until the alarm.
Is there a support group for mothers who are struggling to let go. I can see that that while I love having Honeybear int bed with us, and while hubby say he is fine, I know he would prefer that Honeybear sleep in his own bed.
I am just nuts, I know. I cannot let my almost five year old go, just across the passage.
Why do I feel like this?
Honeybear just never seems old enough.
I cannot see the harm in letting him sleep with us until he is ready to move to his room.
We see so little of each other, that the night time contact feels important to me.
Honeybear loves sleeping with us, why should he not get what he wants, especially when I feel the same.
It is socially acceptable elsewhere.
I feel like maybe it is not such a big deal, but then I think maybe it is. Maybe I am going to create emotional problems for Honeybear.
Today is one of those I feel the uncertainties of motherhood a little bit stronger.
I just do not understand how I turned into this emotional woman…how? I never cried in movies or over books. It took a lot to make me cry. Since I have become a mother I cry so easily. I think maybe it is because I can emotionally relate better.
Honeybear and I seem to be connected emotionally somewhere.
I scold him and it is whatever. He does not have the same reaction as when his Papa scolds him. You can see the hurt when Papa scolds. Yesterday Papa was scolding him into his pajamas. He was crying and calling for me. He was being naughty. Hubby and I have an agreement not to question each other’s parenting ways. However, I find it hard not to intervene when Hubby is doling out discipline. It is not that he is harsh, but I feel the hurt Honeybear feels.
Yesterday, I knew I was wrong but I went into the room and I asked Hubby to please stop and let me take over. I was in tears too, seeing my little baby crying.
I know Hubby was not happy with me getting in between, but my heart was sore watching Honeybear’s unhappiness. It tore at my heart seeing how unhappy he was, even though I know he was being naughty.
Hubby and I spoke about it afterwards and he was very understanding, but I know it is not something I must do too often, but I just cannot stand my little baby to cry.
I know, as a Mom, I create my own pressures and stresses about the way in which I think I should be parenting. I should spend more time with Honeybear, I must craft with him and teach him things like colours and I must make sure all his snacks are home-made and healthy and a whole host of other things I cannot even remember now.
I see other Moms, perfectly dressed and wearing heels and I think, well what is your excuse, if she can do it and she has 2 kids, you surely can do it with one kid.
Why do we do this to ourselves, and I realise we all do this sometime or the other.
It took me a while to realise that other women may look at me and think those same things (ego boost for me).
After the initial problems were sorted out, breastfeeding came easily for Honeybear and I. It also helped that I had the support of hubby, Le Leche League and the office I worked in.
There were to women who had babies after me and they feel like if I could breastfeed and work, they too should do the same thing. They are struggling and tired and life is unpleasant. I have tried to help. We all not the same. Like anything else, we are different kinds of mothers and we all manage in different ways. This does not make us bad mothers, just mothers with different abilities and views.
Be proud of yourself and remember you are a brilliant Mom.
I feel like I am back in the breaking down stage: The pressure cooker has something the matter with it, the weight will not spin and the emergency valve is letting off steam. My favourite hand mixer/chopper has stopped working. These are two staples in my kitchen and I cannot imagine cooking without it. I lost the crochet hook I need to finish the last four blocks of Honeybear’s blanket. I am wondering what else is on the list. I know it is very pessimistic but yesterday was a trial and I was not in a very positive mood. None of those things are big, but I was determined to be negative.
This morning my car would not start. The bright spark that is me, left the lights on. I called Hubby who had left home two hours before me. I do not know why. I knew he was too far to help. I knocked on a few doors and got no answer and then called the neighbour across the driveway. He was nice enough to come help me and get me going. I felt like I just needed to stop being negative, because it was not helping me at all.
I have a lovely beautiful child and he is the sweetest thing ever when he is not unhappy about something.
Hubby is sensitive and caring, if I give him a chance.
I just need to stop and listen and breathe. If I was paying attention instead of being in a black mood, I would have seen the lights of the car were still on. (My car does not make any sound to let you know you forget: maybe it is time to get something fitted?).
I do this to myself. I get into a mood and nothing is right. Today I am going to be better behaved I am going to sit quietly and work and think good thoughts and have a lovely afternoon and evening with my family, because we have so much to be thankful for.
Hubby was nice enough to give me a lovely Mother’s Day gift, even if he could not be home.
So here is me being good: I will have a fabulous day!