I have written about my work before and the issues I have had regarding the salary and being shouted at by my boss in front of the whole office (for something I had not even not done). This year I have been working on letting things go and I worked really hard to let those two things go…and I have. And it happened again.
This time I cannot let it go…I could have no self respect in an office where the boss shouts because he is stressed or upset about something.
So what happened.
As I say, I have been working really hard to let things go and living consciously to do so. I know the boss has been stressed and he is under pressure, but so are the rest of us. We are all sitting there working hours of unpaid overtime to get it all done, only to be lectured at just about everyday. A little word of thank you would have gone a long way. Anyway, I have accepted he is not the type that says thank you. I have accepted that he steals my ideas and passes it of as his own (sometimes I think he even believes he thought of it). I have accepted he takes his frustration and anger out on everyone. I have accepted he never apologises. I have been working through consciously letting it go, because I love the work I do, and my family needs my salary. Now is not the time to go looking for another job.
I have also worked on accepting the things he says without disagreeing. Getting shouted at is enough to ensure I never make suggestions anymore about a different way to get things done. A colleague has been having a rough time, being shouted and sworn at by the same boss too. I have been even more vigilant that I am never the target.
And then yesterday it seemed he decided it would be me. Randomly decided that I was the one. I am not sure what happened. I was told that I do not care about deadlines ( I was the one that created the work list, assigned the work and have been working horrid amounts of overtime to get it done). I was told I do not get stressed (I do but I obviously internalise it and everyone seems to thing I never stress). I was told that I do not care about my work.
I was flabbergasted. I had specifically asked for a performance review (we do not do them in this office). I wanted to ensure that I was on the right path and if there was a problem, then I please needed to know. Both my bosses were in agreement that they were very happy with my work, my dedication and the professionalism. They were very happy with the way I handled my projects, clients, team and contractors. This was only two weeks ago, so to get shouted at about not caring seemed really out of the blue. I was in tears. So the shouting one left and the other asked to talk to me. I told him I really do not know what to say or do. I have a sick child I had to leave at home in order to get to the office at 05:30 (in the morning) so I could get my work done. He was pretty ineffectual and does not want to get into conflict with his partner. I can understand that, but if your partner is busy destroying the office morale, then I really think it is time to step in and do something. There is no point telling me my work is fine, while your partner is saying something else.
So there can be no more questions about letting it go, because I cannot respect myself if I allow myself to be walked over and shouted at. This is affecting my whole life. I cannot cry about it. I hate crying in front of anyone, especially my boss. I know they think I am some weak female but at this point I cannot care about it.
I know I am good at what I do. I know I am dedicated and I know that I am deadline driven. It is time to leave. Yes, I know it is a risk with all the political and economic uncertainties, however, my self-respect and self-confidence is at a greater risk.
In the meantime I have to suck it up and continue where I am at, but I will be actively searching for a better position. I do wish I had enough self-confidence to do it alone, but my family needs my salary.
Hubby is a little worried. I know. We have talked about it and he has suggested that we borrow the money and I should start up my own thing, but I am not sure I can do it. I have the ability to do the work, but I am uncertain of my ability to efficiently network and get the jobs I need to survive.
Being my own boss would be brilliant in that I could control my own hours and do things the way I want to and I can use the expertise I have (instead of being pigeon holed as a woman who cannot do this that or whatever, because I am a woman).
I am sad. All the work and time and attention to the quality of work I put out, has not been enough. The shouting is personal. It has nothing to do with my work and everything to do with me as the person I am. If there is no problem with the work I do (even he has complimented me on my project control and quality of information issued), then the problem is with me as the person I am.
I will only ever write this here, and never say it: but sometimes I wonder if it is a race thing. I am the one and only person of colour in that office. I was told by the “HR” that they will never employ anyone black ever. That is not the kind of office they are. That does not sit well with me. Open prejudice like that. With everything that is going on, and it has crossed my mind that it is possibly a race thing. Perhaps they regret the fact that they made one exception. There is no basis for this other than my personal situation, and to be honest the other woman who has undergone this is white so that cannot be the reason in her case.
Whatever the reason, I am past it now…I have to leave.
I have wondered and thought it through and I am sure I am not making something that is not there. Everyone is the hero of their own story, and I will be the last one that could be completely objective.
Is it me? Am I such an unlikable person that my boss dislikes me to that degree? I know I am not the warmest most open person on first impression, but given time, I will be the warmest most helpful person. I know I go out of my way to do something for someone, I know I go out of my way and help out the others in the office who need help. I am not the type that will share my personal life with you, and I certainly do not want to be friends with the boss, however, a good professional relationship is essential.
Hubby says perhaps he feels that I have overstepped my position by jumping in and scheduling the work and driving a project that seemed to lag. However, that is my strength. I am an organiser and a doer. It is a requirement that someone with my knowledge and expertise should take over where I can very obviously see things falling apart. Again, if it was inappropriate, than shouting at me randomly about my work is not the way to handle it.
I am reluctant to rush into another job (not that there are that many floating around in the first place). I question my ability to make a good job decision. I thought that this was a good place, but it has proved not to be. I am so sad.