I am beginning to wonder if things are actually going to work out here where I am. I really want to make this work, but reading through all the letters I have received from my employer, I think we are heading to the option of them finding a legal way to get rid of me. It is not as if I want to just stay here to make them and myself miserable, but I cannot just walk away without anything else lined up. I have a family and financial commitments, which will still be there, whether or not I have a job.
For now I will try my very best to make them believe that I am still the right person for this job, and I am not sitting at my desk twiddling my thumbs. I am not sure what I must do exactly, because I thought I was doing it already. The endless meetings and letters have resolved nothing in my mind, besides making us all unhappy or I guess they are doing it the way they have been advised by their legal person.
I am sad and disappointed and afraid, but I think this is one of those situations I have to accept. I will not stop trying, but I am not very hopeful of a happy resolution.
I have to either look for other work, or take the plunge and try to go my own way.
Hubby and I are doing much better. We are making the most of our time together. Sitting chatting in the bathroom while Honeybear baths, a quick chat on the phone if we cannot be together, a visit in the middle of the day if we happen to be near each other for work. I think we are beginning to realise that we need to make the most of the small moments. Baby steps. At least we are not fighting with each other and send more time loving. Honeybear still has to get used to the hours, but I know he will.
We have found some great domestic help. It makes a huge difference to have someone help you out, so I do not have to worry about cleaning all the time. For now it is only every second week, because that is as much as I am willing to deal with strangers in my space.
The search for a nanny is still on. This one is proving difficult. Having to find someone at an affordable rate for afterhours is not easy. Also, I do not want to commit to a nanny while the work situation is so unsettled. It is not fair for someone else. I think I need to re-evaluate when I work. I cannot sleep anyway, so I am thinking I nap early evening and work later. It has possibilities. Honeybear has an early bedtime and he always tries to get me to lie down with him (which I feel like I should yes to, more often than no).
We had two huge tantrums the last two days. Looking back on the first one, I was asking for it to happen. It was blazing hot and I was dressed in boots and socks and jeans and I was feeling very tired. Instead of just giving the sandpit a miss and taking care if my own needs too, I just gave in and sat out in the sun and became crankier so by the time we went home, we were both upset and angry and unreasonable. It was not all Honeybear’s fault.
Yesterday I had just arrived at the mall to buy sandals and shorts for Honeybear. Hubby was waiting for us. Honeybear refused to sit in the trolley or walk and I lost it. I packed him back into the car, while he screamed his head off. I called Hubby who came running. I said I was going back home because there was no way the I was shopping with Honeybear. I think it was the right choice. We arrived home and I carried a screaming child up to the house and stuck him into his room. I was tempted to close the door too, but I read that it is a bad idea, because you effectively close off communication. He cried for about 5 minutes after that when I made him understand that he was going to miss out on the afternoon with us. He turned off like a switch.
This morning he refused to wear his shoes or jacket so we just sent him to school without it on (we did put it into his bag). Even if it is hot during the day, the mornings are still a bit chilly.
This afternoon I will take him shopping again. I want him to pick his own stuff (within my parameters) and hopefully he will more likely wear it without fighting me. I have now taken to dressing him in his school clothes at night so we do not fight in the morning.
I just do not have it in me to deal with another screaming tantrum today. If he is cranky looking we are just going home.