Wondering about infertility….and stuff

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Infertility is close to my heart currently. Not because I have ever experienced infertility myself. Let us just say I have been having a bit of insight currently. It sucks! I see the couples sitting there in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. I felt like a completely insensitive fool for walking into that waiting room with my son on my hip. I sat there and I waited to be seen and I felt uncomfortable. Not because those couples sitting there were mean.
Every time someone tried to get his attention or smile at him, I wondered whether I was striking deep into their hearts, flaunting my child there, when I know they are mostly sitting there because they do not get pregnant easily. How on earth do I end up with a fertility specialist as a gynae, I do not know. In fact I did not know the doctor was a fertility specialist until I was in the hospital and kept being asked if the pregnancy was natural. Huh? What do you mean? And then one of the other doctors explained it was because my gynae was a fertility specialist. Oh.
So I sat there waiting for it to end. I was hoping the doctor would just come call me. So the next time I had to go there, I left Honeybear at home. I was just another woman waiting to see the doctor. I felt better.
It always makes me wonder if I would have tried as hard to have a child as these couples try? Would I have just thrown in the towel and carried on if we never had Honeybear as easily as we did? Would I have become obsessed? (Not that I am calling anyone obsessed, I just wonder what I would do?) Do people think I am selfish for only wanting one child? I have been told to my face I am selfish so I do not really have to wonder.
There seems to be a basic need in us to have children (well some of us). I remember never wanting children and hubby said it did not matter. He was fine with that. And then one day, it kicked me in the teeth. I wanted a child. I wanted to be pregnant. And we were pregnant the first month we tried it out and everything fell into place easily.
I love being a Mom, even if I do not sleep well, and my body is not the one I was used to. I feel incomplete without my son. I cannot relax when he is not with me. Never completely. He is always in my thoughts. I wonder if he stopped crying soon after I left? I wonder if he and his bestie are playing nicely, are they terrorising the others (these two share a birthday and I am told they are inseparable, concocting all sorts of naughtiness). Anyway, I digress.
What kind of person would I be without my child? I know my child has changed me tremendously. I try to be better because of him, even if I forget sometimes.
I cannot imagine injecting myself month after month after month. Going through egg retrieval and embryo transfers. There are whole terms I had never heard before. There is a whole other life out there I never really paid attention too.
Do children really fulfil you? Yes for me. How would I live my life without that warm little body against me. I have experienced the joy of being pregnant. I heard my child cry out in that hospital and I held him and looked into his scrunched up face.
I remember the fear and tears when I went into preterm labour, even then I did not realise the awfulness of losing a child, because I never lost my child.
The hard decisions one must go through when having a child of your body is not happening. Fertility treatment, adoption, egg donors. These things never occurred to me. Hubby and I discussed what we would do, briefly, if we could not get pregnant because friends of ours were in the middle of fertility treatment when we decided to try. It never occurred to us, that infertility might be an issue. It was just something happening to other people. Hubby was born to his mother after she went through about 11 miscarriages, so in his mind miscarriage was normal. In my mind, it was not something that would happen to me. Even when I went into preterm labour at 27 weeks, I do not think it really hit home what could have happened. Hubby had it brought home to him a few weeks ago when he helped a colleague go through a miscarriage at 28 weeks.
All this wondering is all over the place, but it is things I have never really thought about seriously before (I now sound like an insensitive cad, but I am not really). Do we really know what other people are going through unless we have been there ourselves?

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7 responses »

  1. I feel the same way you do… it’s heartbreaking to say the least – wish that it was much easier for some couples to have a baby. And then you get dimwits who can’t look after their children properly, child-abusers, scum of the earth that fall pregnant without even trying and those children would have been off so much better with a loving couple who would have deserved them and gave them a beautiful life. Sorry, it just infuriates me…

  2. You wrote a post that has been whirling around my head for a few weeks now.

    We also fell pregnant the first month and we only tried because I was 32 and we thought we should a least see if things are working and not wait until I’m 40. So I never knew the feeling of waiting and then not being pregnant. We have also decided to have only one child, because we want to give her the best in all senses – attention, money, education etc.

    And then I have a friend that went through the whole cycle of infertility, her story has a lucky ending, the first embryo implant works and she is now a mommy to twins. But what about the people who never succeeded.

    Another friend who also struggled for years and only fell pregnant after the 5th embryo implant says that actually felt a very real hate for women that just fell pregnant without trying.

  3. I hear you fully. I only read after having Liam that you are called “infertile” after 1 year of trying. We “tried” for 4 years until I became pregnant although I never really thought of it as trying, more of a “if it happens it will happen” DH will tell you we didn’t try hard enough, haha.
    I feel so sorry for my gynae. His wife is his receptionist. When I was preggars she was struggling to fall pregnant. Imagine having to deal with people everyday who have something you so desperately want. I see her in the shops every now an then, we stop and have a chat. She miscarried about 2 years ago and then lost a baby last year after she was born at 26 weeks and was in NICU for 11 weeks. It’s heartbreaking. She no longer works with her husband and I don’t blame her. Who wants to be around that constant reminder.
    A colleague of mine can’t have children and so all her friends have made her their kids Godmother, me included. I realise afterwards that this might also be insensitive.
    Wait, perhaps I should’ve blogged about this also, haha
    Have a good day

  4. My BFF did the whole fertility treatment thing and from standing with her through it and lots of chatting etc, I know how terrible it is for someone who desperately wants to have kids and can’t. It feels like your own body that was suppose to have been built to make babies, is betraying you … and failing you! Luckily my BFF also has a happy ending with an almost 2 year old baby boy, and they are going to try to have a sibling for their son with the embryos that were frozen from the first cycle. And if that fails, they have decided to adopt, because they want more than one child.

    How can someone call you selfish?? Just because they don’t understand or agree with your motivations and reasoning?? That’s silly.

    I always knew I wanted kids … and like you I never thought it would be a struggle. I was one of the lucky ones and fell pregnant quite easily … But many many women are not as lucky and its a heartbreaking roller-coaster ride for them. If I couldn’t have my own kids I would have adopted. I told hubby that a long time ago and he said he didn’t think he could adopt because he wasn’t sure if he could bond with a baby that wasn’t his biologically. I told him he must sommer get over it because there was no way I was not going to have children …

  5. I think it also depends on what type of a person the infertility turns you into. I find after 7 years that I’ve developed a kind of a hard shell around me with regards to th, comments used to hurt me so badly that I would cry for days, now it still stabs, but you kind of shake it off.

    One thing I can tell you is that fertility treatments are super costly, we have spend R10000 already just on tests to determine where the problems were, and this is 10K just at Vitalab in the last year, not my own gynea included. Butin the end it is worth all this heartache and costs 🙂

    I think infertility changes your outlook on a lot of things in life…

    • Hi Nats, good to see you again. Yep, the cost is huge, financially too. Interesting that you mentioned the people we turn into…makes m think a bit more.

  6. We battled for many years to have our girls that’s why they are so widely spread in age.But we had decided we would not to go the route most infertility couples go after we watched the BIL and SIL go through it for many years and finally it destroyed their marriage.
    We are always very grateful we had any children at all after the Dr told us it would almost be impossible………..but I understand how desperate people can get when it comes to having a child and how disappointing the infertility roller coaster can be.

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