Can anybody help me?

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I had a huge huge huge fight with Hubby this morning (and last night). We have been at each a lot these last few weeks and we have been fighting the same fight over and over and over again. We just cannot seem to get to a solution we both can live with. I love him, I really really love him, but I have reached a point where I just want him to leave. I will cry and be upset but then I will be OK and continue. It sounds odd to say I love him, but to also say I want him to leave.
I am tired of waiting for him to come home from work. I am tired of fighting with him. I am tired of not understanding him and I can see he does not understand me. I am tired of living uncertainly. I am just so so tired. It is not all him making me tired, but I am tired and I want a break and right now I want him to leave me alone because he and I cannot agree and I cannot explain anymore.
What is this all about?
It has been going on for years and I just cannot deal with it anymore.
Hubby smokes. I understand he smokes but then he tells me has stopped and he lies about it constantly. I find a lighter or something like that while doing laundry. Or I will be driving his car and I find something. Or he comes home and he smells of it and I ask and he lies. It is the lies I cannot take anymore. And he then tells me he cannot understand what the big deal about smoking is, it does not harm our family. Then I just lose it.
Hubby and I share all expenses. It has always been this way. I always earned 4 times his salary. It is a fact of life and he has accepted I earn more than him. I am not mean with money, but I am very careful . We have a car to pay for and a home loan and a personal loan and a credit card. Plus all the normal expenses. We had a plan, that we would pay these as soon as possible. And we also have lived without credit cards for more than a year. Or so I thought. And then I open the post and find he has been using the credit card he has for cigarettes and whatever else. And here is me, never spending money, even on a sweetie, because we have a mission to pay of all debt. And then he tells me it is his money he is spending. Then I just lose it.
These are the two most important things to me. I feel I cannot trust him anymore He lies to me about stupid things. And I think to myself, if he can lie about something so silly, what else will he so effortlessly lie about?
As far as I can see the cigarettes are the problem, hence he needs to spend money secretly . So it starts with cigarettes and then it is something else and something else, and the next thing we are back in a hole of credit card debt.
The sad thing is, he has done this over and over and over again, and I keep paying for the debt and trying to move past it. I just feel I cannot do it anymore.
Which is why I wish he would leave. Then I know all the things I need to pay for and I know I have to do things alone, instead of waiting for him and then he does not turn up or he has forgotten.
I was mean this morning. When he said to me he was spending his money, I told him that if he would pay for his half of our expenses, then he could see how much money he has left over to spend.
I know you cannot be frugal all the time, but I tend to save the splurges for when we are both together. I never go out with anyone else for a meal, because it is something I would rather save for us both together. If I am shopping, I will buy treats for everybody together, not just me. I never ever buy lunch, but always pack lunch from home. Hubby thinks it is ok to waste money on lunch everyday (while I am thinking he is eating the free lunch provided at his work).
I know these may sound like stupid silly fights to everyone else, but we have been fighting about it for so long, that I have no more trust in my husband And then he tells me he cannot understand why trust is important. So I give up and tell him I cannot do this anymore, I want him to leave.
Not buying lunch etc, were things we talked about, and we agreed to do. We have a goal to buy a house with a garden. We talked about it and he agrees with me, but it seems like just another lie, because he goes off every day and does things that go against our plan. We are not living on the edge by any means, but we did agree we would do certain things.
I feel like I am the only one making compromises between the two of us. He says he will get his credit card cancelled and I can check his bank notifications, but I do not want to do that. What next? Checking his phone and email? I do not want to live a life being suspicious and I do not want him to think I am tight fisted mean woman. I just want him to love me enough to understand where I am coming from. I do not want to hear empty promises. I want to love him enough to say I understand him and I will compromise again and let us try again, but I do not have it in me. I do not know how to make it right between us anymore and it does not seem like such a big problem, but I am tired. I am so tired of trying to work this out, especially when it feels like I am the only one trying.
A counsellor is not going to work. I want to be happy and in love with my husband, but it seems like I am lying to me too.
Can anybody help me? Help me see the way forward? I feel lost and I know I am being unreasonable, help me good again?

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6 responses »

  1. Ohh Sweetie, money issues next to child issues are the biggest trigger for a fight in every household.

    And now I’m going to turn my comment into a whole blog:
    1. Firstly – remember to go through a seperation is nothing to be ashamed of and if that is the route you want to follow you should do it, if you fully believe that it will make you a better person
    2. If do go through a seperation / divorce, remember you’ll have ties to him for the rest of your life because you have child together and then the money issues may be even worse BECAUSE there will always be the child support – have you seen some of Helen’s posts about child support and the demands made?

    And now what do I think you can do? Here are my thoughts – why don’t you each get pocket money? You sit down and agree on a set amount that you each get each month for frivolous stuff – he can buy lunch and cigarettes with it and you can either buy yourself a sweetie with it OR put it in unit trust in only your name, and you’ll have the satisfaction of seeing it grow each month. And the biggest rule with this pocket money is that you are not allowed to judge or question what your spouse is doing with the allocated money but once it is finished it is finished!

    I’m lucky in the sense that Hubby and myself is very much on the same page with our finances. But we have also realised that to live frugally all the time is not a good idea, you just feel cheated all the time. So now when we do splurge it is on something significant like a weekend away or dinner out but at a proper restaurant instead of having take out 3 times a week and buying branded clothes etc. Buying a Lindt chocolate once a month instead of a Cadbury slab each week.

    Another thing to do and we have started doing it is to do a little balance sheet – assets and debt. It is the most wonderful feeling to see how the assets are getting bigger and debt smaller! It is most definitely a big motivator. Put it on the fridge and update it every 3 months to see what a big difference it can make to pay something extra into the car debt or the house debt. Do you know how much you save in interest by just putting R200 a month more into your bond?

    Does this help? And then another thing – for me Zoe comes first – always – we have been through a absolutely terrible patch in our marriage – for about 3 years, I look at photos of myself in that time and my eyes are dead, I’m still amazed that we’ve pulled through and the only reason we did pull through was because of Zoe – we both felt so strongly about it that we want her to grow up in a house with two parents feeling secure all the time. Obviously I have no idea what may happen in future but for us that was the best thing to do because now our marriage is strong, we are happy and we have a content secure child.

    • Thank you for the comment and the advice. It means a lot to me. I like the idea of the pocket money. Hubby and I are very different people and we always giggle to ourselves about how two such different people living in different provinces, raised so completely differently: ever manages to get together.
      I think I just need to accept he and I think differently and to find our middle ground again. Right now I need to get over my hurt and anger and just remember we love each other. Thank you.

  2. I can relate to this. Just a few short months ago I was at the same crossroads as you. Lost and unable to see a way out. I don’t know what happened? I can’t explain it…but somehow I changed my mentality and stopped caring so much – well, I stopped worrying about the mess around me, and in time things got better. My husband and I planned to go to counselling to. Our marriage was a wreck…but we somehow managed to resolve the issue and now we are happy again. I wrote some posts on this, on my blog called the ‘rocky road to nowhere’ and another called ‘I wish marriage came with a manual’ these might give you some hope in what seems like a useless situation. I wish you all the best and hope things work out for you both!

    • I read over your posts, thank you for sharing your experience too. I think the letting go is a big challenge for me, it is something I must work on for me. I need to get back to being me, because right now I feel like I have lost the essence of me in my attempt to be a mom and wife. I am trying too hard and getting nowhere. Thank you.

      • It looks like you know what you need to do – focus on making YOU happy! It’s so easy to get lost in everyday existing. I also find writing has helped me – it’s extremely therapeutic and helps me collect my over active thoughts. The best of luck to you in whatever you choose to do!

  3. Oh MC!! I see you have lots of good advice already and there isn’t much I can add there. I just want to wish you lots of love and strength to get through this difficult time …

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