Dreaming of another…..

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I have little Honeybear and he is all the little one I have ever wanted. He is 2 now and a terribly gorgeous cute 2 year old. He is potty training (another blog, maybe), he can talk loads and he still does not sleep through the night. I love that little one more than I ever thought it was possible to love anything or anyone. He brings hubby and I closer and he is the centre of our lives. I only wanted one child and I have had to fend off all the comments and criticism of only one child. I know hubby wants another child.

We have talked about it and he and I at peace with our one child……or are we……am I?

I have found myself, this weekend wanting to be pregnant again! I am shocked!

I find myself day dreaming about 2 kids. About holding another little body against me. Holding 2 little hands in each of mine. Teaching Honeybear about another little brother or sister. Is this really me?

I actually do not want another child. I think it must be something misfiring in my head, and I hope it is temporary, and will fix itself. I have not mentioned it to hubby, but I know he knows there is something going on with me. I just need some time to myself (which does not exist anymore).

How on earth would I take care of two kids, I am barely making it with one, with loads of help from hubby.Lying in on a Sunday morning with a book is a thing I do not even think about. The weekends are so busy, I get back to work on Monday feeling tired. Work is easier then home, these days. There is sand everywhere (teach us for buying a sand-box!).

I know in my head that having another child right now is not a good idea. I also, do not want another child, I just feel like Honeybear has taken all I have to give and I will not be able to match the time and attention Honeybear has had. Why should we have to share, anyway? I cannot look forward to the breastfeeding. I am a huge advocate of breastfeeding, but it is not easy. They do not tell you that. The bond you make with your child (not that anyone does not have that same bond without breastfeeding), is not easy either. You are constantly aware of each other, and your body responds to that little person. Even now my body is not my own. Honeybear enjoys sleeping on somebody, or cuddled as close as he can get. Sleeping deeply no longer exists. I wake in the night and I know he is going to wake a few minutes later, and I will hear those little feet coming to our room.

And I still dream of another in my heart while my brain says no.

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6 responses »

  1. I think the “idea” of having another child is lovely, but to me, in my mind, the reality is not so lovely.
    I also fend off comments about having just one child. Comments made mostly by a Dad of 3 who has very little to do with his children’s upbringing.
    DH and I are happy with our one. We want to give him everything we can and this includes our attention. You cannot deny the fact that having more than one child will take away something from the other.
    That’s just me, but I’m sticking to it.

  2. Zoe will be 7 in January and I beyond broody – however I think it is a reaction to getting closer to 40 and knowing that my child bearing years are almost over.

    Our lifestyle is shellfish and I can’t see how we would be able to have another child fit into it.

  3. I’ve always said that I would rather have one child and give him everything I can and have than have two and divide my attention and everything else. I know you love all your kids equally and one is not more special than the other but I think you have to be ready for it in both mind and heart. So while your heart and mind are still debating, stick with what you have.
    That being said, I find myself looking at little babies and inhaling their sweet scents and drinking in their cuteness and wishing that another one were possible. But alas, not now and not for a long while still.
    Strongs with this inner struggle! Hugs!

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