I have little Honeybear and he is all the little one I have ever wanted. He is 2 now and a terribly gorgeous cute 2 year old. He is potty training (another blog, maybe), he can talk loads and he still does not sleep through the night. I love that little one more than I ever thought it was possible to love anything or anyone. He brings hubby and I closer and he is the centre of our lives. I only wanted one child and I have had to fend off all the comments and criticism of only one child. I know hubby wants another child.
We have talked about it and he and I at peace with our one child……or are we……am I?
I have found myself, this weekend wanting to be pregnant again! I am shocked!
I find myself day dreaming about 2 kids. About holding another little body against me. Holding 2 little hands in each of mine. Teaching Honeybear about another little brother or sister. Is this really me?
I actually do not want another child. I think it must be something misfiring in my head, and I hope it is temporary, and will fix itself. I have not mentioned it to hubby, but I know he knows there is something going on with me. I just need some time to myself (which does not exist anymore).
How on earth would I take care of two kids, I am barely making it with one, with loads of help from hubby.Lying in on a Sunday morning with a book is a thing I do not even think about. The weekends are so busy, I get back to work on Monday feeling tired. Work is easier then home, these days. There is sand everywhere (teach us for buying a sand-box!).
I know in my head that having another child right now is not a good idea. I also, do not want another child, I just feel like Honeybear has taken all I have to give and I will not be able to match the time and attention Honeybear has had. Why should we have to share, anyway? I cannot look forward to the breastfeeding. I am a huge advocate of breastfeeding, but it is not easy. They do not tell you that. The bond you make with your child (not that anyone does not have that same bond without breastfeeding), is not easy either. You are constantly aware of each other, and your body responds to that little person. Even now my body is not my own. Honeybear enjoys sleeping on somebody, or cuddled as close as he can get. Sleeping deeply no longer exists. I wake in the night and I know he is going to wake a few minutes later, and I will hear those little feet coming to our room.
And I still dream of another in my heart while my brain says no.