The Malaise

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My loss of desire to do stuff…..my work, blogging….I can see it filtering through to everywhere.  Now that I have seen this lack of interest is actually catching…that once it has touched one part of my life, it is beginning to infiltrate everything. I think it is time to do something about it before I completely don’t want to do anything. 
First thing first:  I have been trying to work out what I feel.
Workwise, there is not too much to stimulate me.  I feel like I have reached a blank and I am doing the same old boring thing over and over and I hate it, because this is my dream career.  I am privileged and it is not the time to be bored.
I feel like the house is just too much.  I keep trying to control the mess, its state and it just seems futile.  One evening and we are back at square one.  I have been trying and it seemed to look fine, but then it falls apart so quickly.  I think I have given up.
Finances are the same as the house.  No matter how good we are about our spending, it seems useless, because everything costs so much.  I feel like what is the point if this is a losing battle.
Blogging just got so much more difficult with the new platform, and I did try and it started to work, and does anyone want to actually read this stuff.
My craft stuff is linked to finances and also the lack of opportunity.  There is never enough time in the day to do the things I dream about because we are only just keeping our heads above water now.
Making efforts with my family, because they seem so busy over there in Durban that sometimes I feel like it is too much effort to make conversation and they have too much going on and I stop trying and I stop talking.
 
Why?
The building industry took a huge knock with the economic situation and work slowed down.  So there is not a whole heap going on anywhere, not just in this office. 
With the arrival of our darling Honeybear, there is so much to do with him and he needs constant attention or he becomes very upset.  Also, I want to give him all the attention he wants and needs.  However, this also means that all my free time is spent sitting on the floor with him, so there is not much time for housework, until he goes to bed.
The finances are just a result of the economic situation.  No increases or bonuses at work, in fact we are still recovering from the 20% salary cut that I had to take because the building industry slowed to just about nothing.  Throw a baby into the mix and the rising prices of everything and in laws and you have a bit of a pickle.
I used to blog at work and the new platform does not allow that anymore.
I love my crafting.  I love it and I cannot do it.  I feel like my creativity is being slowly killed.  I cannot do what I do because we have a toddler who needs to touch everything and where is the time? Where is the money?
My family are so important to me and I get so lonely living here 600kms from them and I call and then they have to do this or that or can’t just here that they need to do something else other than talk to me right now.  No one ever calls me.  Unless Honeybear is ill, no one calls me.  The phone works both ways and still no one calls me.
 
Fix it?
I have been thinking at work a little and I have decided to try to get some office stuff going here.  Creating presentations and just getting a little stuck into some office admin.  I am a brilliant administrator.
I have no solution to the time challenges and Honeybear.  I keep telling myself there are things in life more important than a clean house and I shall continue with my tidy up every evening, maybe I will eventually feel better about the whole thing. 
What can I do about the finances?  I am open to suggestions.  We have been really really good this  month and stuck with our budget.  We have succeeded in keeping expenses within the bare minimum.  How much longer can we?  We do this and then everything costs more in a matter of a few weeks.  We can try to start cutting out insurances, but I think that is very dangerous. 
Blogging form my phone is not too bad and I see the team is making things work better here so maybe blogging will  be better.  Blogging can make me see things in black and white.
Crafting I cannot see a solution to either.  There is no private space for me to do my thing and I guess I shall have to find some other outlet for my stifled creativity. 
I have made a plan to go visit my family in December and I shall see what happens.  I have to tell myself I have no control over the hurtful relationships my sisters are in and I have to learn to be on my own. 
 
I still have enormous interest that will not wane, in my little Honeybear and Hubby.  Hubby is lovely and understanding and is there to get me through this disinterest I feel.  We are not exactly walking around in rags, so the finances are not that dire, but there is not a lot left over for anything else.
 
I wrote this in  the morning I have thought of a little something to solve some issues.  I am going to tackle making my own personal organiser.  From scratch, from recycled materials.  This way I can try to organise my day better and be a brilliant administrator of my own life.  I can let my creativity free on something small without letting Honeybear get a hold of something dangerous.
 
I feel better with having written this down.
 

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10 responses »

  1. Yes, we do read your blogs and will support you no matter what you decide.
    Time with Honeybear will improve when he’s a bit older and is able to occupy himself. I used to be so anal when it came to my house but now I just have to look the other way. Sometimes a pile of dirty dishes isn’t as important as running out into the garden to see what he has found.
    Everything is slow. I don’t know how our company is hanging in there, without retrenchments and short time and cutting back on things. I think our MD is looking away, hoping for the best. I just don’t see it.
    If work is so slow, perhaps take some of your craft stuff to do at work? Are you allowed? Gosh, I’ve taken to bringing my YOU in. There is only so much you can organise and clean out.
    As for Finances, join the club. Things are hectic and now Eskom has applied for another 16% increase each year for the next 3 years! Gosh, we haven’t had more than a 6% salary increase in the last 5 years. Where do they think the SA people are going to get the money.
    Hang in there, it will get better. And in the meantime, lean on us
    Hugs

    • Another electricity increas is all we need. And then everything goes up, again! Can’t really bring other stuff to work. I work in an open plan office and we are supposed to look really busy all the time.

  2. Oh mama-cat – I hear you, this post could have been written by me! My family also live in Durbs and I miss them desperately but I tend to forget that they are also so busy with their lives and I get hurt when weeks go by without hearing from them. I think everyone is in a bt of a state at the moment.

    You do sound like you are borderline depressed though, don’t let it consume you and if it does you need to see someone to help, no shame in that!

    As for the creativity, if you are not on pinterest yet (www.pinterest.com) – do it! And do it now!!! So many amazing yet inexpensive craft ideas on there and you will be astounded how creative you feel just looking at everyone else’s ideas!

    Good luck and I hope you get out of your rut soon!!

    • I do love pin interest. Thank you for the word of encouragement Lunar. I wish I could work out some way to sell some of the stuff I make.

  3. Hi! I’m still here – and yes I still read everyone’s blogs – just not always commenting. Sorry!

    I’m so sorry you’re going through a rough time at the moment – we’ve all been there believe me – and yes it does get better – just hang in there! Don’t be too hard on yourself! I also stopped blogging for a while now – and I see things have improved a lot – so I’ll be back! Miss it – and everyone here! Maybe it’s time to arrange that MOB or what?

  4. Being a parent and wife and career woman does put a lot of restrictions on the things we’d rather be doing! 🙂 This too shall pass – just hold on and make time for yourself! It will keep you grounded and sane thru this time! I think most people had to tighten their belts – dont know where its going to stop…

    One of these days you can start teaching HoneyBear todler safe crafts! 🙂

    PS: we’l read your blog, no matter what you write!

  5. It’s typical at this time of year to feel this way. It seems to be quite common from quite a few chats I’ve had lately.
    Even though you have all these challenges you are looking for solutions that work for you and I think that is fantastic. These new projects I’m sure will re-energies you.

    • I have just finished the layout for the filler sheets ans now I am dreaming about the cover. You are right. A new project has energised me.

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