I have turned into a woman from hell. And knowing it has not made me any better in being a better person. There are things bothering me and I cannot seem to do anything about it and this frustrates me and I just act nuts.
- I cannot seem to accept the in-laws not having visited yet. Now it has become accepted that we will have to go to them. I am trying to dig my heels out from the ground and just get it over with. I feel like why should we traipse the 1400km with a baby when it is easier for them to come to us. The least they could do is explain and apologise, maybe then I will feel better about having to do it. We will go. No matter how I feel, we will go.
- Hubby has suggested we go to them for Honeybear’s first birthday. This I cannot agree to even more than just visiting. If we visit them, we will have no money left to have the first birthday I have been dreaming about. Also, who else would be at Honeybear’s party out there in the middle of nowhere (they do live in the middle of nowhere). Also, I feel like since they have not made efforts to visit, why should they have the privilege of sharing his birthday in their home? My parents deserve that more. In fact, I was planning on inviting the family to Pretoria. However, only my family will make the effort and come, the in-laws won’t even offer an excuse as to why they can’t come.
- Hubby and his work are driving me crazy. We have to organise all our life around his work hours and they are long and difficult and weekends are also spent working. I just feel like family is more important than work and he must grow a back-bone and speak to the powers that be and tell them so. I did it and I have adjusted my working hours so I can pump milk and fetch Honeybear at a decent hour. Hubby needs to make a plan now.
- Hubby also relies on me far too much. He needs to learn to do things without me. I want to lean back on him, but I do not have the confidence to do so. That all sounds a bit off. What I mean is that there are some things , like getting our admin done, organising Honeybear’s dinner, housework, all that kind of stuff is left to me. Hubby will do anything I tell him to, but I have to tell him to.
- I need sleep. My baby needs me and I have to go to him, however, I too need some sleep. My Mother’s Day pressie, that I asked for, was to have a morning to myself just to sleep-in and read and eat without being interrupted. Just a few hours without Hubby or baby. I feel like I never have time to myself anymore. What does hubby do? He comes home with chocolate and Milo as a Mother’s Day gift (which is great, but that is not what I wanted or asked for).
- Work is far too busy and I just need a break from this too. Please.
- As Tourmaline would call it: Lady Voldemary is back….this is the first time since we became pregnant. So that is a year and 8 months later. I have to say, it is not that bad. Like it used to be back in the day, I don’t have cramps or heavy bleeding or anything. Maybe I am extra cranky because of the hormones?
I had a huge fight with Hubby yesterday. There is no screaming or anything like that. It involves me telling Hubby how I feel about the way he is going on and how I just need time and space and a break and please help me. And then Hubby tells me how he needs the same things and we don’t listen to each other, we are so caught up in being in separate pools of self-pity. Ugh! What a mess.
This morning I kissed him goodbye and I have not spoken to him since. I must make an effort to calm myself and get over all this stuff and be me again, or is this now me…..Crazy Lady from Hell?
PS: I’m posting this without checking….hell ladies do not bother with spelling and grammar, we just kill keyboards.