Mama’s first day back

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Today is Honeybear’s first day at daycare and my first day back at work from maternity leave. How do I feel about all this?

I have been heartbroken and in tears for days at the thought of leaving Honeybear in daycare.  Would they take care of him like I do?  Will they know when he is hungry or tired? Will he miss me and be miserable? All sorts of horrible thoughts of him lying there crying and no one caring kept popping into my head.  I totally forgot why we chose that daycare.  I forgot that they were nice caring people and that the babies were well taken care of.  Hubby came with me to offer support.  At the gate there was a lovely lady helping us to get in.  The lady I first spoke to called out to me as soon as we walked in.  She remembered our names and our baby’s name.  The principal was there to hug Honeybear and take him from me.  They made it easier for me to leave him and walk away without tears in my eyes.

Another feeling I have is of happiness to be back at work.  Some Mommies are going to be taken aback I think.  I love Honeybear and I want to take care of him, however, I also like my work.  I am doing my dream job, and I am happy to come back to it.  It may sound contradictary.  I want take care of baby and I want to work fulltime.  That is how I feel.  Also, I am not cut out to be a stay-at-home Mama.  I was beginning to lose me.  I am more than just Mama.  I also am a woman with ambitions and goals that I had before Honeybear arrived

Yes, my life has changed greatly since Honeybear, but I am still me.  Just another aspect has been added to me.  I am faceted.  Working is one facet.  Mama is another.  I don’t love Honeybear any less.  I don’t want to be away from him.  I do want to work and fulfill my goals.

I think Honeybear will have a happier more confident Mama, if I do the things I want to.  I don’t want to feel like I have “given up” anything to be Mama.  We waited this long, because I wanted to feel more confident in myself and career before having a child.  I know exactly what I want and I know that I can be Mama, and a woman with a career.

Does this make me a bad Mama.  Am I missing something.  Does anyone think I love my child less because I want to work?

At the end of the day I still feel amazed and happy that: I am Mama

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7 responses »

  1. it doesnt make you a bad mother (or person, for that matter) if you want to give your child the best you can. and you have to work to provide that for him, unfortunately. i am still early in my pregnancy, and have already started to mentally prepare myself for when i get back from maternity leave and rosyntjie has to go to daycare. i dont have a dreamjob, it is not something i ever pictured myself doing but i love it nonetheless. i love the company i work for, and i am also not willing (even i were able) to give it up. after all, it is no one’s decision but yours, and no one can judge you for doing what you think is rite. strongs xxx

  2. Thanks emve. I thought I had prepared myself, but everything was different after the baby was actually in my arms. Enjoy being pregnant. It is an amazing journey and I don’t think you will ever get any closer then this to rosyntjie(vey cute nickname!)

  3. I’m with you completely. Both Spruit and myself are a lot happier while I’m working. Although I still sometimes feel torn in two. The first couple of days at daycare are the hardest, but in a couple of weeks time you will have your routine and everything falls into place. Good luck!

  4. Im with you – I dont see myself as a stay at home mom, yet you have all these doubts if they will really look well after your baby. The 1st week is the hardest, I cried more than Jessica… Only now (4mnths on) does she start to get niggly when I leave her at the creche, makes me feel bad,but I know without my job I would not be able to offer her all the things I want to… But there is nothing in the world that stops us from being at both, being a mom & working woman! Good luck, it gets easier!

  5. Welcome back to work and don’t feel that you are a bad mum just because you want a career. Well done for feeling confident in your choices.I am expressing 2 to 3 times a day at work. It is not too bad. We have rooms with power points and I have relative privacy. I don’t think I am getting enough milk out when I express. Although, Nerys rarely takes more than what I have expressed during the previous day. She does not appear to be hungry either. In another month I will start giving her solids. I am determined to keep her on breastmilk and not put her on formula – breast is best! So I have to make the expressing work for me. I am a very determined woman so I know it will be fine.The two significant times woman give up breastfeeding are in the first month and then when they return to work. I can only suggest that you find a support group. I go to a Le Leche League meeting every 2nd Saturday in Roodepoort. The ladies there are mostly working Mums who express, or breastfeeding Mums that are keen to support working Mums. Their support is invaluable.HUGSxxx

  6. I have made it to Thursday with the expressing. I really need to find a reliable private place to pump. Maybe the car? It is getting difficult but I will try. Thanks for the support.

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