Self-Pity

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I am so homesick. Four years since I have lived in my parents’ house, and I am still homesick. This week is pretty bad. I just sit around and wonder what they are all up to. My sister, what does she look like? How large is that baby bump of hers. The older sister, I wonder what their kids look like these days. Is she driving yet?

I wonder if my parents are well, do they miss me as much as I miss them? With all the crap that is going on at work, I miss them more and more each day. I wish I had the money to jump up and go visit them too. However, even a trip to Durban costs money, and again, with all the crap at work, I cannot just go visit again.

I guess it is a little unfair on Hubby. I do not love him any less, or want to leave him to go back home, I just want a visit. I want to be able to visit when I need to. I want to share in the family occasions. I do not even know what my nephews look like anymore, they never remember me when I do see them.

I do not want to live with my parents; I just want to visit them. Poor, Hubby, I think he feels thrown aside while I wallow in my self-pity. I do not have the energy to make him feel better right now. I have explained how I feel to him; it is up to him to try to understand. This is not about him and me; it is about me needing time to myself.

I still call my parents’ house home, he keeps insisting we are home. I know home is here, but home is also my parents. There is absolutely no one here to celebrate anything with. No one, and when it comes up to a special family occasion, I feel really home sick. I know there is Hubby, but he does not even understand the significance of these occasions that mean so much to me. I have tried to explain, he says he does not understand and leaves it at that. I do not want to explain anymore, I just want to be with my family who understands without me endlessly explaining everything. I do not want to explain myself all the time, I am not from some alien planet, and every time I have to explain things, I feel like an alien, left out and alone.

I am beginning to hate Afrikaans. I know the language is like any other and needs to be learned, but when it is forced upon you, I do not like it. When it begins to feel the language is being used to be disrespectful, I hate it. When it feels like the language is being used to isolate you, I hate it. It does not stop me learning the language better every day, but I still hate it. For me it has turned into a tool that is used by people who keep asking me to explain myself.

This is my self-pity post, to make me feel better, I do not want to explain anything, I just want to be me and have my tears and frustrations. I want to get under my blanket and hide from everything that is going on.

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13 responses »

  1. I knowwww Arcat every single thing ur saying..Im going home in December, only thing im looking forward to these days and keeping me going actually….I cannot wait…i miss every single occasion, dont know much about nieces/nephews what they like or find cool šŸ™‚

  2. I was tired of ENGLISH the other day. and I am an english speaker. I wanted south african accents and I was so tired I would rather have heard afrikaans so I could use another part of my brain to process things. so i know how you feel

  3. Living far from ome cant be easy. Why dont you go at least once a year or so? Even if its only for a weekend. Im sure your hubby will be ok with it. Maybe during the holidays. You can even catch the bus. Its much cehaper even though it takes forever!Hope you feel better

  4. we live in Durbs & my sister lives in Nelspruit, and she also gets homesick. She visits at least 3 times a year and my parents must visit her once a year. We speak almost every day so it helps too.May a plan to go home at least once or twice a year, maybe during the long weekends, xmasHope you feel better soon , lots of (hugs)

  5. I love what Cryptic has said “start your own traditions”, You have your own family with your hubby and soon hun you will have children, start now hun. You will be taking parts that your parents have passed to you into your family.

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