I am so homesick. Four years since I have lived in my parents’ house, and I am still homesick. This week is pretty bad. I just sit around and wonder what they are all up to. My sister, what does she look like? How large is that baby bump of hers. The older sister, I wonder what their kids look like these days. Is she driving yet?
I wonder if my parents are well, do they miss me as much as I miss them? With all the crap that is going on at work, I miss them more and more each day. I wish I had the money to jump up and go visit them too. However, even a trip to Durban costs money, and again, with all the crap at work, I cannot just go visit again.
I guess it is a little unfair on Hubby. I do not love him any less, or want to leave him to go back home, I just want a visit. I want to be able to visit when I need to. I want to share in the family occasions. I do not even know what my nephews look like anymore, they never remember me when I do see them.
I do not want to live with my parents; I just want to visit them. Poor, Hubby, I think he feels thrown aside while I wallow in my self-pity. I do not have the energy to make him feel better right now. I have explained how I feel to him; it is up to him to try to understand. This is not about him and me; it is about me needing time to myself.
I still call my parents’ house home, he keeps insisting we are home. I know home is here, but home is also my parents. There is absolutely no one here to celebrate anything with. No one, and when it comes up to a special family occasion, I feel really home sick. I know there is Hubby, but he does not even understand the significance of these occasions that mean so much to me. I have tried to explain, he says he does not understand and leaves it at that. I do not want to explain anymore, I just want to be with my family who understands without me endlessly explaining everything. I do not want to explain myself all the time, I am not from some alien planet, and every time I have to explain things, I feel like an alien, left out and alone.
I am beginning to hate Afrikaans. I know the language is like any other and needs to be learned, but when it is forced upon you, I do not like it. When it begins to feel the language is being used to be disrespectful, I hate it. When it feels like the language is being used to isolate you, I hate it. It does not stop me learning the language better every day, but I still hate it. For me it has turned into a tool that is used by people who keep asking me to explain myself.
This is my self-pity post, to make me feel better, I do not want to explain anything, I just want to be me and have my tears and frustrations. I want to get under my blanket and hide from everything that is going on.