I have been so angry with Hubby. I was hurt and upset and everything I could possibly be. I even wrote a blog about it (not posted). And now, hours later, I think I have been childish. I know I was unreasonable.
I am lonely and friendless. This is not his fault. It is up to me if I want to have friends. He can’t make friends for me. I know this. I need to stop relying on him to fulfill all my social needs. This is the point of contention between us. I need him more than he needs me. I need time to chat and sit together. He would rather watch tv or play a game. Nothing wrong with tv or games, he is allowed his time to do with as he will. I want him to be with me. I hate the tv and games even more, but it is his thing. We have worked out the tv and games thing already.
The problem came up that he had to work this weekend. He decided to work this weekend. He gets two weekends of in a month. So with him working an extra weekend, that means we have no free time together for two weeks now, with 2 more weeks to go before we get time together. The weekdays are not much to speak of. Four days a week he works 6am to 8pm. The other 3 days he works 6am to 5pm. I feel there is not much time in there for us. With him still wanting to get the games and tv in, we can go without speaking. I know he needs time to himself. I feel there is not enough time for us to do everything. I get home about an hour before he does on the late days, and then I have to start cleaning and making dinner. I feel the work is taking over. And he still works in an extra weekend. He says it will mean more money. I don’ believe we need the money. We are doing fine without it. There is quality of life to consider.
Ok, I know I still feel badly about this and it is not resolved yet, but I went about trying to resolve it in the wrong way. There was no need to tell him that he chooses everything else over me.
Part of the problem is that he does not really want to visit my parents either. I have been so looking forward to it, that it really ground me down to hear that he would rather not go. I know he does not know my parents really well and that he is probably uncomfortable around them. He has only ever stayed one night at their house. That was two years ago when we were married. I know. I know . I know. I just wish he would just suck it up and understand exactly how much it means to me. I want him to meet my family properly. I want him to come with me to have lunch with my friends. I want to show him where I grew up and the things that used to make me smile. I want him to know the other side of me, the person I was before he knew me, the things that made me who I am today. Sometimes I feel as if I have lost myself in him. I have stopped being me. I have become his wife. I feel as if I am defined by him. I am no longer my own person.
I no longer have any friends of my own. I no longer draw. I no longer dance and sing like I used. I am no longer the social person I used to be. I know it is nothing to do with him. I know he did not change me. I became this person I am now because I cannot adapt to fit my new environment. I feel extremely lonely and after two weeks without much conversation, and another two to follow, I blew up at him.
All the plans we made for the weekend went out the window. I was left alone to make dinner for the guests he invited over, without help. I cannot climb up into the ceiling alone, I need somebody to hold the ladder or at least be there if I fall through. His work is always busy. He never has time to take care of the admin of our lives. I am left with the banking and anything else that needs to get done. Sometimes I feel like I am convenient to have around. I know it is not true, but I cannot help the way I feel.
I love him so much and maybe my love is killing his love? I am afraid I will continue to push and pull him in all kinds of directions until he has had enough. I don’t know what I am doing. My work is crazy, I am barley civil to my boss, because I have just had about enough and all that frustration is boiling over into my personal life. I cannot live with the fact that my life is his life and that I feel lost without him.