Smoking babies


Hubby and I had some troubling conversations this weekend.  I’m not sure if I am just being unreasonable.

Hubby smokes.  I always knew that.  He knows I think it is a disgusting habit.  He always knew that.  So it is tacitly agreed that he never smokes when I am there and also smoking at home is unheard of.  He smokes at work and that is it.  It makes it easy for me to accept that he smokes if I never see his cigarettes and I never see him smoke. We tried the whole e-cigarette thing when we decided we would have children.  He said he wanted to stop and we thought that this might help.  That was a year ago, it did not work.
We had agreed a year ago that if we are to have a child, then we should try to get rid of some bad habits.  Smoking being one of those habits.  This was something he wanted to do.  Six months away from starting our child, he tells me has no desire to stop smoking.  He likes it and does not see why he needs to stop.  I don’t understand.  In my head the first thing is that he is being unhealthy and deliberately shortening his life span.  That is unfair to me and a child.  Secondly, he cannot keep his smoking a secret from a child, so there he is setting a bad example. If our child decides it wants to smoke, he cannot tell it no because he does it too.
I also think it is unfair that I have to be the one to get pregnant.  I have to give up my vegetarianism because I want to be pregnant.  I have to take vitamins and exercise and watch what I eat.  It is my body that is to experience that possible trauma of being pregnant. 
In all this, I expect him to make some compromise too.  The biggest compromise for me is to get pregnant.  I have no desire to ever be pregnant.  Yes I want a child, but an adopted child.  He cannot find it in him to love an adopted child.
So I said that we cannot have a child like we planned.  We cannot have any children until we can both live with the fact that he smokes and how this will affect a child. (Maybe it won’t, but I am not convinced)
When I think about it, I sometimes feel I am being unreasonable to put our plan of having a child on hold, just because he does not want to stop smoking.  And then I think to myself that smoking is not a good thing whichever way you look at it.
He told me he would stop.  I agreed I would be pregnant.  Now that I have done a certain amount of things and I am looking forward to having a child, he rescinds on the agreement. 
I told him I feel like he has given me false hope.  I have told him years ago that I would not get pregnant after the age of 32.  There are a host of reasons for this which is a post in itself.  I do not want to compromise anymore, especially on something I feel is no compromise for him.
I can’t help but feel like I am over-reacting here. It feels like I am holding up the hope of a child and telling him to stop  or he can’t have it.  It is just smoking after all, but neither can I agree with his decision to never stop.  I am not prepared to wait for him to maybe decide to stop.  I can live with it, but I ma not prepared to make a child live with it.  I am confused, upset and not sure if I am doing the right thing.

21 responses »

  1. It is a problem but a little cooperation and sacrifice brings the solution. When visiting our daughter and grandchild the golden rule is smoke outside – same when they come visit here we the smokers smoke outside not in the house near grandchild. Two benefits: you smoke less and the smoking is so much nicer. Have a great day.

  2. why would you have to give up being a vegatarian if you fall pregnant, and please please do not think of it as a “trauma” falling pregnant, it is the most wonderful thing you can experience. Wishing you all the best

  3. Hubby and I are non-smokers and everyone who visits us knows this and respects our home enough to smoke outside. I am sure giving up smoking is easier said than done, but he should really see the benefits for everyone involved in the long run.

  4. Giving up smoking is easier said than done. Especially if he has been smoking for a long time. But people have stopped smoking with no cravings. I beleive its all in the mind but it will have to be up to him. He might stop after the baby comes. Stay positive.

  5. Firstly, you are the only one in this relationship that can fall pregnant. That’s a given. It’s what you were made for – to carry babies and to give birth to them. To me that was the most amazing experience in my life. Ever. Bar none!As for the smoking, I know how hub feels. I smoke myself, and have been for the past 22 years. Very difficult to give it up.And if he in any case smokes only at work, and not at home, what’s the issue?Maybe you really don’t want to be pregnant, and are doing, subconsiously,what you can to place it in jeopardy?Having kids is a lifelong committment. And if you don’t both agree on how to go forward from here, rather leave it until you do.Also, don’t wait too long after your 32nd b day – women are born with only so many eggs, and they grow older with your body. So the older you get, the greater the chance of complications..I wish you luck – when fell pregnant, I just did it – no forward planning. It turned ok-ish, but I’m glad I’m not in your shoes right this minute!!

  6. For Pete’s sake woman, falling pregnant is not launching a rocket into space or performing surgery in a sterile environment, it’s perhaps the most natural thing people do and please don’t think that you can shield a child form “negative” things like smoking forever. I agree with ghia, you’re looking for a reason not to fall pregnant and you are being unreasonable. If hubby’s smoking has no direct health implications for the little one, what’s the problem? I also don’t understand why a healthy woman like yourself would opt to adopt a child in stead of falling pregnant; that’s insane. Adopting a second or third child I can understand.

  7. I used to smoke and it is not easy to give up unless you have something to motivate you and keep you focused on the goal. At least you and your hubby have come to the agreement that he will smoke outside of home and not in front of you. That is a sign that he really respects you. You cannot also expect him to keep this kind of thing a secret to your kids. If your kids love you they need to love all of you, good and bad. Pregnancy is not a traumatic thing Arcat. It is a wonderful experience and you shouldn’t allow something like this to stop you. At least your baby’s health and your health will be safe with your husband smoking away from you. Some men don’t and will refuse to give in to your request on this matter so take this as a blessing. Maybe in time to come, he will realise that he needs to stop. But give it some time. Something like this is hard to give up.

  8. You are probably not going to like this answer, but I am going to give it to you anyway.The more pressure you put on your husband to stop smoking, the less he is going to feel motivated to stop. Fact. It’s a rebellious thing in people, and whether you are 5 or 50, when someone tells you that you HAVE to do something, you automatically don’t want to.That’s the first issue. The second issue is – as far as I can tell, your husband has made massive compromises with his smoking already. He doesn’t smoke at home, you never see him smoke, you obviously go out together where he probably doesn’t smoke around you, etc. Do you know how difficult that is for him? He could have insisted from day one or just been a jerk and carried on smoking whenever and where ever he wanted to. But he obviously loves you enough to respect you in that way.How do you know that by the time your child is old enough to smoke your husband is still going to be smoking? Don’t you think that you are projecting just a little too far into the future? Maybe once the child is born, he will want to give up smoking all by himself?I am getting the feeling that there are a lot more issues at stake here than your husband’s smoking around a baby. I think that you actually haven’t got over the fact that he smokes, and you are using this as a reason to force him to stop. Fact – smoking is a disgusting, terrible and potentially fatal habit. But it’s something that defies logic – if you’re a smoker you don’t want to quit, and if you’re a non-smoker you can’t believe why people would do something so disgusting to themselves. I agree with that, but also need to emphasise that you need to sort out the real issues here first.Sorry if I have sounded off at the mouth, but I guess when you post something like this in a public forum, you are going to get all kinds of responses from all kinds of people. Including me.I hope you have all your heart desires. A husband that has quite smoking and lots of healthy children.Good luck.

  9. I found that I was beginning to become anaemic and then I needed pills for it. Also, it was recommended I eat meat or take the injection supplements. So I decided to eat the meat and get over it. I am sure pregnancy is wonderful, it is not something i dreamed of doing.

  10. I know it is easier said than done, and I don’t expectit to be easy for him. However, he does not want to do it.

  11. Ghia I’m sure being pregnant is wonderful for most women, but it is not something I want ot do. Yes you are right. I do not want to be pregnant. I do not see the need. Yes I know I am the only one that can get pregnant. Forward planning is essential for something this big. A child should be expected and planned for, is my opinion.

  12. Yes you are right, as I said to Ghia below, I don’t want to be pregnant. I have considered that I am using his smoking as an excuse and you may be totally right and I am not facing up to it. It is very obvious that getting pregnant is easy for most people. I don’t want my child to be an oopsie. I want it to be expected, anticipated, planned and hoped for. Something as important as a child should not be something that happens by the way. As for adoption, I am not going to fight with you on that one. My reasons are my own and right now I don’t want to explain myself.

  13. I understand it is difficult to stop, and I know he loves me. I just don’t want to expose a child to that in our home.

  14. Thanks for the comment. I appreciate the view. I totally know that he has compromised by not smoking inside. I love that and that he loves and respects me enough not to do it. I know he might stop, but then he also might not stop. Also, you are right. Forcing him is not good, I realise this, hence I say I feel like I am being unresonable. If I can come to terms with him continuing to smoke, then we both will be happier. I just don’t want ot accept he smokes. Also, I don’t think I have to accept what I don’t want to. I still strongly believe that a child does not have to be exposed to someone who smokes.

  15. You are absolutely right – you don’t have to put up with anything you don’t want to put up with – but I have discovered in 20 years of marriage that compromise is the most important part of a partnership. Also, your child will NOT be exposed to someone who smokes if your hubby doesn’t smoke at home – trust me, your child will be exposed to smokers at a much younger age than you would want. In public places, etc.But still, obviously the ultimate decision is yours. I just recommend not digging your heels in. Try and come to some sort of compromise.Good luck.

  16. love every minute of it, it is the most amazing feeling. If I was 20 years younger I would love to fall pregnant again

  17. Hey chick! if you don’t want to exdperience the most amazing thing on God’s green earth – your choice entirely!You seem to be overthinking this whole thing – the more you think about it, the more reasons you will find for not doing it.In my way of thinking, sometimes the only way is to just jump in and do it.Adopting in any case is not as easy as they make it look in the movies..Still, I wish you luck whatever your decision…

  18. Sorry to be so frank, but you need to face facts – firstly it sounds as though you have a disfunctional relationship and should under no circumstances bring a child, biological or adopted, into this. Did you not discuss these issues before you married? Secondly you need to seriously look at yourself and your outlook on life and face up to things, avoidance/ostrich behaviour is going to get you nowhere and playing the blame game is not going to strengthen your relationship or grow you as a person. The pregnancy and smoking is not the issue here – there are underlying problems. Maybe you need to seek counselling either alone or as a couple. Again, apologies if this sounds harsh but hope it helps and the very best of luck.

  19. This is a public forum so there is no need to apologise for feeling you are being harsh. Yes we discussed these things before marriage and many times after. I said in the blog, he was also of the view that smoking is not good around a child, he still agrees on that point. I honestly don’t believe we need counseling and I don’t believe that we have problems any worse or better than the average couple. Counseling is not the answer, communication between a couple is more important. It is being prepared to listen to the other. This is not sticking my head in the sand. I know exactly what it means to force him to stop or for him to refuse to stop. He knows this too. We have talked often enough about it. To say our relationship is dysfunctional after reading one isolated blog post is unfair. Thank you for the good wishes, and I hope to see more of your comments. A different view.

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