Hubby and I had some troubling conversations this weekend. I’m not sure if I am just being unreasonable.
Hubby smokes. I always knew that. He knows I think it is a disgusting habit. He always knew that. So it is tacitly agreed that he never smokes when I am there and also smoking at home is unheard of. He smokes at work and that is it. It makes it easy for me to accept that he smokes if I never see his cigarettes and I never see him smoke. We tried the whole e-cigarette thing when we decided we would have children. He said he wanted to stop and we thought that this might help. That was a year ago, it did not work.
We had agreed a year ago that if we are to have a child, then we should try to get rid of some bad habits. Smoking being one of those habits. This was something he wanted to do. Six months away from starting our child, he tells me has no desire to stop smoking. He likes it and does not see why he needs to stop. I don’t understand. In my head the first thing is that he is being unhealthy and deliberately shortening his life span. That is unfair to me and a child. Secondly, he cannot keep his smoking a secret from a child, so there he is setting a bad example. If our child decides it wants to smoke, he cannot tell it no because he does it too.
I also think it is unfair that I have to be the one to get pregnant. I have to give up my vegetarianism because I want to be pregnant. I have to take vitamins and exercise and watch what I eat. It is my body that is to experience that possible trauma of being pregnant.
In all this, I expect him to make some compromise too. The biggest compromise for me is to get pregnant. I have no desire to ever be pregnant. Yes I want a child, but an adopted child. He cannot find it in him to love an adopted child.
So I said that we cannot have a child like we planned. We cannot have any children until we can both live with the fact that he smokes and how this will affect a child. (Maybe it won’t, but I am not convinced)
When I think about it, I sometimes feel I am being unreasonable to put our plan of having a child on hold, just because he does not want to stop smoking. And then I think to myself that smoking is not a good thing whichever way you look at it.
He told me he would stop. I agreed I would be pregnant. Now that I have done a certain amount of things and I am looking forward to having a child, he rescinds on the agreement.
I told him I feel like he has given me false hope. I have told him years ago that I would not get pregnant after the age of 32. There are a host of reasons for this which is a post in itself. I do not want to compromise anymore, especially on something I feel is no compromise for him.
I can’t help but feel like I am over-reacting here. It feels like I am holding up the hope of a child and telling him to stop or he can’t have it. It is just smoking after all, but neither can I agree with his decision to never stop. I am not prepared to wait for him to maybe decide to stop. I can live with it, but I ma not prepared to make a child live with it. I am confused, upset and not sure if I am doing the right thing.