family troubles

I have lamented the fact that I miss my family.  Sometimes does your family ask too much?  More than you think they should be asking?
This weekend I received a message from my troubled sister. She wanted to come stay at our house for a week.  She says she needs a breather and she does not want to talk.  This translates to she wants to come over to us, sleep half the day, watch TV for the other half of the day.  She will then be withdrawn and morose everytime you try to speak to her.  I had this with her the last time I invited her to stay.  I know she has serious troubles.  However, I feel that there are certain obligations you have as a guest in someone else’s house. (I understand I am sounding cold, rigid and unfeeling here). One of those obligations is, as a guest, when someone has gone out of their way to do things your way, you say thank you.  You also should not expect them to pick up after you.  Also, it would be good if you as the guest, do not spend all the time watching TV.  Hubby and I do not watch TV during dinner. Neither do we watch TV everyday.  TV has the potential to become anti-social.  Also, I have issues with other people sleeping our bed, other than Hubby.  So guests are not allowed to traipse into our bedroom as they please. I give you own room, pleas use it, not mine. So number one reason I do not want her to stay with us is that she is a bad guest.  (Yes I know she has problems).
Then there is the fact that she and her Hubby have huge issues. ( I have written at length about this).  She does not want to leave him and that is her right.  She wants to stay and work it out.  So I think she should then stay and work it out.  I feel she needs to stay and work through these issues.  If she is with us, how is she going to make their counseling appointments?  This then tells me that once again the counseling has been left at the wayside.  So number two reason I don’t want her to stay with us is that I feel she should stay and work through her issues with her husband.
We have a really tight budget.  Every luxury item we pay for, is thought about and saved for. Also we are saving for the baby-fund.  Pay-cuts at work are not helping the situation.  Right now we cannot afford to have a guest.  A guest that does not eat the same things we do.  So this means expensive food items on the list we would not normally buy.  Also we cannot afford to buy for her the return ticket to us. So reason number three I do not want her to stay with us is that we cannot afford to have her financially.
Hubby’s sister asked if she could come stay with us a few weeks ago and we declined.  So reason number four is we cannot decline one sister and accept the other.
I called my Mom to ask if things are going bad again with my sister. Is she not allowed to stay with my parents for whatever reason?  Mom says that she saw them for lunch yesterday and all was paradise and smiles.  She has a key to the parental home, a room open whenever she wants it.  She knows this and she has a place to take a breather.   Reason number five is that there is a place for her to get away to if she really wants to.
However, I can see my reasons are really selfish.  I do not know why she wants to come stay with us, she has told me that seeing Hubby and I being affectionate to each other annoys her.  So why does she want o come to us.  We are not going to stop being affectionate because she is with us.  I don’t know.  I feel really evil about this.  I have already said No, that she cannot come to us, but this is really troubling me.  On the one hand I feel it was really unfair of her to ask us, knowing we are on this really tight budget, on the other hand, I am the one sister she still talks to and really I should be helping my family if they turn to me.  I really want to say No, but I feel the right thing is to call her and say Yes, here is your ticket, stay as long as you need.
I called her and said yes.  She could come stay but she would have to pay for herself.  I could not stop thinking that I was just making excuses.  It feels more right now.  She is younger and sillier than me and big sisters must be there sometimes?

13 responses »

  1. The word sister does not give anybody the right to be inconsiderate. Make sure your sister understands that although you love her deeply you are not in a position to be a hotel. Stick to your principles.

  2. By no means are your reasons selfish or evil. If your sister and her husband are going through counseling together, by leaving to stay with you is going to be a real set back in terms of working through their issues together. Stick to your principles, and just make sure that she understands as much as you love her, you can’t help her out at this stage for financial reason.Good luck :)xx

  3. You need to look out for yourself.Maybe if this is the first time, but it isn’t.She’s probably using you as a kind of’re completely right – she has to stay and work out the issues.Just now she gets divorces, and you end up being stuck with her!!

  4. Sometime you have to be cruel to be kind and help her “grow”. Saying NO to her few times should do the trick, unless you have thought about opening a hotel, where you are the host and the big sister.

  5. Bite the bullet dear & say no. Sometimes our families demand more than a decent pound of flesh. That’s when we carefully form that two letter word spelled N O or the even longer one–enough!

  6. oooh tough one. The point with family is you SHOULD be allowed to sulk around and not be a perfect guest. BUT at the same time, because you are family, it should be a two sided give and take and this doesnt sound like it

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