This morning I have been in a thinking mood…..I have been thinking about my high school love. He was someone I met when I was nine years old. We eventually ended up at the same high school and became better friends. When one is in high school, boy-girl friendships tend to turn into the romantic kind. Everyone knew the two of us were together. Everyone knew how perfect we were together. I was a very innocent little girl. It never seemed strange that all we ever did was hold hands. It never occurred to me that we could do more. He tried to hug me, but I did not want to. Good girls did not do that. I heard the stories about some of the other girls having sex with their boyfriends. I was shocked. Only old married people did that. The dirty girls. I heard my very good friend had kissed her boyfriend. I was shocked. I had thought she was a good girl. My high school love was a gentle type. He wrote me little love letters and poems, he sat next to me. In art class he would share his palette with me. He thought I was the most perfect angel. And then we finished school and onto varsity.
Here there were all kinds of people doing everything and anything. My high school love and I drifted apart. He was busy studying, I was busy studying. We would pick it all up later. There was no time right now.
The varsity people were totally outside anything I had experienced. I cold not relate to them. And then I thought maybe I too should do the same things. But I could never get past that only married people did some things. I kept aloof. I was untouched by the “debauchery” of varsity life. I heard about people having sex in the library. I was shocked. Only married people did that, well not in the library. And then in the final year at varsity I fell in love.
He was so different from everyone else. I remember the first time he kissed me. I was terrified. I was being kissed. It was all wet and sloppy, but I was doing what everyone else was. But this love was not the gentle boy from high school. This love wanted more. Only married people did that. He pulled at my clothes and I ran away. Only married people did that. However, the attraction of the virgin is way too much for some guys. And being the naive girl I was, he eventually got what he wanted. I felt like the worst possible human being after. I decided I had to leave. I could no longer live in my parents home.
And then I met a another guy. On the Internet this time. He was safe. I eventually found a new job, packed up my car and moved in with this guy I met on the Internet. I never felt it was wrong to be with him, we were not even married. But he felt right. I did not care what anyone else thought. We eventually married. And I think to myself of the innocent girl I used to be. She is long gone I am not sorry for the loss. My daughter will not be that same girl. Innocence on that scale is a dangerous state.