The force that is me


Footsteps blog makes me feel so much better about my week.  It’s been hectic with deadlines and email systems that don’t work.  But I feel a sense of achievement.  I got the work done and it looks good and hopefully it is what is required.  Is being a workaholic addictive?  I feel that it can be.  Addiction to that adrenalin that  your stress pumps through your body.  It’s crazy, but you got to do what you got to do.

I’m off for my four day weekend to Durban.  I’m so excited.  Can hardly wait for the day to be over.  Wonder if I can get off early. 

This week has been work and more work, and starting work at six in the morning is beginning to take its toll on my poor body.  Also, I can’t be neglecting my poor Hubby.  He made some weird dinner yesterday and we are having it today.  He started dinner too late and I was not prepared to wait till nine for it to be ready. I know, I am so ungrateful.  However, I believe, that if you are making dinner, it’s your responsibility to make sure you have all the ingredients, and you make sure it’s ready on time. 

Outside the air looks dirty.  I decided to treat myself to lunch today.  So I have nothing and will have to walk out and get something.  Don’t know what.  But it’s going to include pudding.  I actually don’t have anything to write about.  Just because I don’t have it in me to work right now.

Looking for someone to give us a home loan is just so depressing.  We earn enough, but we don’t have as much cash as we need for the deposit and all those fees that come with buying  house.  We cannot rent forever, we cannot have a kid if we don’t have our own property.  I’m feeling overwhelmed.  I spoke to Hubby about it, and I just ended making  him feel bad, that he cannot provide these things on our list.  I made him cry.  I don’t know how it happened.  But I made him feel like he is holding us back from achieving our goals.  How do I always find the wrong way to say something.  It breaks my heart to see him cry, to know it’s something I said.  And I was not even trying to be mean.  Am I just so naturally nasty that I hurt my husband’s feelings like that. 

I don’t even know how it all ended up there, with him so hurt and sad.  We were not even having a disagreement.  What is wrong with the way I say stuff.  I always take the time to think about stuff before it pops out my mouth, but I’m so insensitive I hurt and bruise and make him cry. And all we were doing was having a conversation about how to achieve our goal of owning some property in a decent area.  Maybe I’ve been working too much and not paying attention to my hubby.  He said it’s because I ask all the difficult questions, thee stuff people are trying to avoid.  I don’t know.  Maybe this weekend apart is a good thing for the both of us.  It will give him time to be himself, without my personality forcing his into something he is not.  It gives me time to think about the force of my personality on his.  On the way I subtly force and coerce and I don’t even know I am doing. I’ll miss him so much, but I still want to go and be with my family and be a part of the family activity surrounding the new baby.


2 responses »

  1. I think the weekend away will be good for you both, it’s a lot of pressure trying to get a home loan, baby on it’s way, working all the time it’s all new and challenging. As for hubby shame show him some love Arcat style 🙂 and as for the working all the time it does catch up with one so you relax this weekend and come back rejuvenated.

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