The bum smacking project manager was not at today’s meeting so all was well with me. Also, I did not have to drive BONUS! One more month and then I’m on to a new project. I look forward to something else.
I’m an evil terrorist. I made my husband cry yesterday. I did not even say anything and then he confesses some “wrongdoing” to me. And he cried. He was so upset and sad. We have a joint savings account. He used something like R50,00 from it. I was doing accounts yesterday and mentioned that some money was used. It was not me. Was it him. No, he said. So then I begin to worry someone has access to out accounts. Figured I’d check properly at the bank. I told him it’s weird and I am worried. And then he comes to me and says he has to tell me something. Something he is not proud of. Something he is afraid to tell me. I tell him that nothing is that bad. And then he says it was him that used that money and that he is sorry he lied and he did not know how to tell me. He is not happy he used it without telling me, since it is a joint savings. He was so upset. And then I realised.
I’m scary. He was afraid to tell me. Why? I do not shout. I would not have been upset. Why are people scared of me, including my husband. I even scare the one I love. I’m unapproachable. Many people have told me that they were afraid of me. What is it about me that is so off putting. I’m not just unapproachable, I’m scary. I don’t think I am physically scary so its my manner. The way I carry myself and deal with other people is scary. My husband says it’s because I’m too perfect and people feel like failures next to me. I’m not perfect. No one is. I do many stupid things. Its very sad to realise that even my husband cannot see past the facade to the real me. The me that is just as insecure as everybody else. The me that is not scary.