Its been one of those really boring days. I have no work. I do not like the inactivity. Just a few more days until we are going away. Nine lovely days. This weekend we had our first dinner guests. We do not know many people that visit. I cooked and hubby made dessert. It turned out really good.
I actually know how to cook. My two years of experimentation have turned out a half decent cook that is able to have dinner guests who actually like the food. Hubby’s cheese cake was delicious and at least there were enough leftovers so no cooking Monday.
I’m so broody still. It does not get any better. Our guests brought their baby with them. I had an evening to play with the baby and just satisfy the broodiness for a few hours.
Hubby and I were talking and I said to him that I would love to adopt a child. He is not to wild about adoption. He wants his own genes. I do not find anything wrong with adoption. I would rather adopt a child than have my own. However, talking with Hubby made me realise that he would go through with an adoption because I want it, but he would not love that child like his own. He would not fully accept that child. That puts a damper on that. He believes that in SA chances of adopting a child from HIV+ parents would be likely. He says he is not going to love a child that may only live a few years. It would be too heart-breaking. Frankly, I think he is making excuses. There are so many children that need a home. So many children that I will not have the chance to take of.
Is wanting to make your own babies not egotistical? Is having your genes in another human being not being selfish when there already so many children in need. I am not saying go out and be an Angelina. Also, don’t adopt because you think you are trying to be noble….which brings me to the point: Are there right and wrong reasons to adopt children? Me wanting to adopt is not necessarily purely related to the many children needing a home. Deep down inside I am afraid of being pregnant. The nine months terrify me deep inside if I am honest. Choosing adoption may just be the easy way out.
The other thing with adoption is that the requirements are stringent, and they need to be. There horrible people out there who will prey on kids. Also what age is the right age to adopt a child. I would think that the majority of people want a young infant.
It’s something that needs careful thought, but I have been thinking about it for years and I feel that I am ready for it now. I am able now. I feel confident enough to be a mother (not that I am). Writing this blog makes me think about what my true reasons are. For me to be pregnant now scares me to no end. The thought of being solely responsible for child for all those months while it grows inside terrifies me. But I so want to be a mother. I know children are not toys. The idea of adoption fills me with hope and I see it as a viable option for becoming a mother. (not that becoming a mother is some sort of milestone that I must do or some kind of prize, ) I just feel that I have so much love inside me that I want to give to a child that would want it. I feel privileged in these times of hardship and I feel the need to share that.
The other thing that I have thought about is volunteering at a children’s shelter ( or similar). I used to do it when I lived with my parents, but since moving to Pretoria it all sort of fell away. I would love to still do it. I have so many confused thoughts floating in my head.
What is the right thing? Should I become pregnant or should I pursue adoption? Am I being unrealistic and should I just wait and see? But see what?